Abandoned Breaths Read online

  A bandoned Breaths

  A bandoned Breaths

  Poetry, Quotes, and Poetic Prose

  A L F A

  Abandoned Breaths

  Copyright © 2016 by Alfa

  Published by © AlfaWorldwide

  First Edition

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form, whatsoever.

  Editor: Christina Strigas

  www.alfapoet.com

  www.facebook.com/alfawrites

  www.instagram.com/alfa.poet

  Twitter: @alfa_poet

  Book design by Maureen Cutajar

  www.gopublished.com

  ISBN: 978-0-9980503-0-0

  This book is dedicated to the four greatest accomplishments of my life.

  Jamie

  Justin

  Kristen

  and

  Landon

  You are never too old

  to chase after the passions

  embedded in your heart and soul.

  I love you all.

  —Mom

  When I finally exhaled,

  releasing pent-up breaths,

  the pain and resentment tore out of my seams like baby birds springing from their nests…

  and my soul

  s o a r e d.

  Contents

  1

  Squall

  1

  2

  Monsoon 35

  3

  Zephyr 79

  4

  Exhalation 127

  Acknowledgements 175

  About the Author 177

  1

  Squall

  S Q U A L L

  3

  I have never been able to understand

  how losing someone can make you

  feel so full of longing

  that your chest risks exploding

  with every forced breath.

  Losing should mean gone

  or taken away,

  empty.

  But instead, every pulse in my body

  incessantly screams his name.

  The past strangles me at night.

  It comes blanketed in remorse.

  Hands of regret crushing my spirit.

  Waves of nostalgia knocking the wind

  from a chest that is much too full

  of heirlooms and knick-knacks.

  Memories of me and you.

  ~ Losing

  4 Abandoned

  Breaths

  I believe the pain we experience with endings is a tool.

  We can either use it to rebuild, or to tear ourselves apart, gnash by gnash.

  I choose to re-purpose the unhinged parts of my soul.

  I will let them shine.

  rusty and antiqued.

  I battled for them.

  Good versus evil.

  Me against myself.

  I may look a little old and worn.

  But, my God… run your fingers

  over my ridges.

  Feel my spirit pulse.

  You will find character,

  resilience, and fortitude.

  ~Vintage

  S Q U A L L

  5

  I do not want to change you.

  Your sadness does not scare me.

  If anything, it highlights the fact that you are real, and you feel things deep enough,

  until they escape your heart

  and show in your eyes,

  and I so desperately want you to feel me… that way.

  ~I never wanted to change him.

  6 Abandoned

  Breaths

  All he did was breathe life into my soul.

  I was a conquest.

  An easy one,

  and you don’t know

  how badly it hurts

  to know

  that I was used

  and tried

  for a time.

  Then thrown back.

  ~ Conquest

  S Q U A L L

  7

  He never really had a chance.

  My perception of relationships

  has always been viewed

  through the rose-colored glasses

  my father shattered the day he left.

  I learned as early as a squalling newborn

  that even the ones who helped

  give life to your soul…

  eventually leave.

  ~ awol

  8 Abandoned

  Breaths

  He was a window shopper,

  and that is a fine way to spend

  a relaxing Saturday afternoon,

  but my heart was tired

  of being peeked at.

  It didn’t want to be the reason

  for buyer’s regret,

  it wanted to be the reason.

  All his reasons.

  ~Window Shopping

  S Q U A L L

  9

  You think the pain goes away?

  It does not.

  It is always there, lurking.

  It is powerful because it has been

  forged by your tears.

  It feeds off your memories.

  It is waiting until it sees you

  dancing in happiness

  before it tries to cut in for a waltz.

  Do not deny it.

  Give it a turn

  around your heart’s dance floor.

  You are stronger now…

  you can handle the beat.

  Hold it close.

  Remember the agony.

  Kiss it on the cheek,

  and kiss it goodbye.

  ~Goodbye Dance

  10 Abandoned

  Breaths

  There are days

  I want to dip my soul

  in memories and just soak.

  Then there are others

  that I am p r a y i n g

  they will all be washed away.

  ~Memory Bath

  S Q U A L L

  11

  He has wanderlust in his veins.

  His heart is always seeking,

  filling up on the next adventure.

  And the most painful lesson

  I have had to learn…

  Is you cannot tether yourself

  to a soul that is meant

  to fly.

  ~Visceral

  12 Abandoned

  Breaths

  He dipped his hands

  into my soul,

  and finger-painted

  hopes and dreams,

  and fears and strengths,

  into a work of art.

  So now it hangs

  in a time suspended display,

  signed by a masterful talent…

  seeking the right home.

  ~Artist

  S Q U A L L

  13

  You have lived in the dark

  for so long

  that you have forgotten,

  a soul needs light

  in order to grow.

  ~Nocturnal

  14 Abandoned

  Breaths

  I was spoon-fed fairytales

  and rocked on knees of selfless

  love from birth.

  Imagine my surprise

  when I had to learn the

  hard way that the world

  won’t love you like that.

  So, you grow up…

  you face ‘reality’,

  and every beat of your heart

  asks to go home.

  ~Fairytales
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br />   S Q U A L L

  15

  It is in the constant murmur

  the echoes of never again

  the hum of betrayal.

  Vibrations so intense…

  they hold hands

  with my heartbeat.

  It is in the insistent aching

  that you feel pain

  pin-pricking your spine,

  more so than the air

  filling your lungs.

  Betrayal…

  is the emptiness you feel,

  when you analyze the gaps

  that your heart stumbles over.

  It pauses - skips a beat,

  and with every silent interval,

  the memories flood

  and the gaps widen

  and betrayal hums.

  ~ When he gave me no choice but to walk…

  I ran.

  16 Abandoned

  Breaths

  You want him to miss you.

  …to catch a scent on a

  sun-dappled spring day that

  reminds him of you…

  and you want it to

  cut him in half.

  Bring him eye to eye

  with his weak knees,

  with a machete to the heart.

  You want him to ache,

  like you have done all winter.

  You want him to endure

  what the absence of you

  feels like, and you want it to

  last for every minute hereafter

  because you are not someone

  who is easily gotten over.

  And you want him to miss you.

  S Q U A L L

  17

  And my soul spoke to me one day. I heard her voice loud and clear, firm, and full of love.

  You question your strength…

  and I stand by and watch in

  awe as you carry that

  heavy heart around.

  ~Weightlifter

  18 Abandoned

  Breaths

  She wants you to see things

  she has never shown you.

  She hopes you hear

  things she has never said.

  She aches for you

  to spoon her heart

  outside of your bed.

  ~Observation

  S Q U A L L

  19

  My mind is strong.

  A steel trap.

  I have conditioned myself to

  let nothing escape its confines.

  I harbor a soul filled with eons

  worth of strength,

  forged and scribed by the Universe.

  I am a celestial wonder,

  an endurance hurdler.

  But when he touches me,

  moves in close…

  skimming my world with a gentleness

  I have never encountered before,

  I feel a calming need to be still,

  to quit flaying my insecurities…

  or trying to prove my worth.

  I want the softness, I need the quiet.

  I need to absorb his essence,

  the biting along my armor,

  and figure out how this ‘being’

  has become sustenance to my soul.

  ~Surreal

  20 Abandoned

  Breaths

  How do you explain

  the absence of a person

  to your soul?

  How do you

  break the news

  that it may never

  be whole again?

  ~Empty

  S Q U A L L

  21

  The line between

  love and hate

  is never as faint

  as when someone

  chooses to

  leave you.

  ~Miniscule

  22 Abandoned

  Breaths

  …and he kept coming back.

  Sadly, more dependable when away,

  and every time she was left to

  wonder for how long.

  The signs were always there,

  mocking her heart.

  Always knowing the desire would

  ‘wane’ after he’d had a few bowls

  of ice cream.

  His attention was that of

  a boy.

  She kept hoping the next

  time he came back…

  he would be

  a man.

  ~Recess

  S Q U A L L

  23

  Time

  has been able

  to do what I

  never could

  to your memory.

  It has dulled

  your shine.

  ~Brass

  24 Abandoned

  Breaths

  I am not like the women

  your mother warned you about.

  I am the one

  she told you

  to wait for.

  ~The One

  S Q U A L L

  25

  We hold onto

  “I’m sorry”

  with thieving hands

  and sputtering hearts.

  Thinking we have the

  weekends and holidays…

  and tomorrow.

  Thinking we have

  ample time to share

  the words our souls

  have hidden.

  ~Time Warp

  26 Abandoned

  Breaths

  I am still in love

  with the parts

  I believed to be true.

  All the lies

  that began and ended

  with I love you.

  ~Mask

  S Q U A L L

  27

  … and when I found myself abandoned

  with nothing but memories

  to keep me company,

  I wove each one

  into intricate patterns

  and fashioned a cozy

  patchwork quilt

  for my soul to curl up with.

  Parts are threadbare

  and the stitches are

  misaligned,

  but it is warm.

  And more importantly…

  It is home.

  ~Patchwork Quilt

  28 Abandoned

  Breaths

  I will write my feelings,

  and let them live the life

  you promised us.

  S Q U A L L

  29

  You never know

  what you are getting,

  until the person who professes

  to love you

  for ‘better or worse’,

  reaches into your

  abominable of ‘worse’,

  and holds your soul,

  until it is ‘better’

  then…

  Then, you will know

  what you have.

  ~Better or Worse

  30 Abandoned

  Breaths

  Tell yourself that I failed you

  if that makes the hurt easier

  to handle, because in a way,

  I guess I did.

  I failed to understand

  the complexity in loving

  someone who would rather

  walk away than stand

  strong and stay.

  ~Complexities

  S Q U A L L

  31

  I have never been jealous

  of an emotion before…

  but he holds on to his pride

  with more ferocity

  than he ever held on to me.

  ~Prideful

  32 Abandoned

  Breaths

  We give so much credit to hearts.

  We acknowledge their reckless

  capacity to love with every

  labored breath,

  but I want you to know…

  my mind loved him too.

  ~All of me

  S Q U A L L

  33

  But if
you would have

  asked me to take your hand…

  I swear, I would have held on

  with my superpower.

  2

  Monsoon

  M O N S O O N

  37

  To occupy this heart,

  you must first pull

  the weeds that will

  obscure your view.

  The walk may be a bit

  overgrown from misuse.

  At times, you will wonder

  if you are on a witch-hunt,

  looking for something

  that does not exist…

  but I promise you,